Am I good enough? Do I live up to the expectations my parents, grandparents, cousins, friends, job and society puts on me? Am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? Nice enough?..
And let me tell you. It's EXHAUSTING! I'm a worrier, a very anxious person. I wish that I could say that I don't give a shit about what other people think of me, but unfortunately that isn't true.
It's sad really. That we live in a society that puts SO MUCH PRESSURE on young (women) today. No wonder so many young people question themselves and their abilities. We're expected to live up to this fake perfection that is just unachievable. We will literally die trying. It upsets me to think that so many (young) people succumb to this pressure, and in turn it creates issues like depression, anxiety, low self esteem, eating disorders etc. I would be lying to your face if I said that I'm not affected by this. I don't want to care, I really don't. It's so draining! I just want to be myself, whomever that may be..
I know that my parents/grandparents (especially on mom's side) are very proud of me. I've had opportunities in my life which I'm very grateful for and certainly do not take for granted. I've travelled all around the world with my parents (when I tell people this, they always say "Your parents must be loaded", they're not. They've just prioritized), I've not only had the privilege of getting a higher education, but I've been able to get one for FREE. That's right. In Sweden school is 100% free (to everyone who is a citizen of the EU), even on University level. WHY?! Because.. they want to offer everyone an equal chance to get an education and not have money be an issue. It's quite the contrast from my Indian grandfather who had to drop out of school at the age of twelve (during WWII) to help support his family and has never spent a day in his life in a classroom since then. For him it was extra important that I seize opportunities that was never offered to him.
I've landed my first real job (via recommendation of a friend, but still), I love my job and the people I work with. There's never a dull moment around that awesome group of indivuals, and I'm sure we will all remain friends no matter where life might take us in the future. I have a sense of stability in my life now that I've never had before, and that has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.
For the first time in my life I'm actually starting to feel secure in myself. Slowly, but gradually. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I can travel, alone (even though the thought terrifies me) or with friends, I can work towards achieving my goals and my dreams, I can be spontaneous and do what I feel like in the moment. It excites me, the freedom I mean. But it also terrifies me. I'm not perfect, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've also grown and learned from them. I live with no regrets, because every event, incident, hurl, roadblock, encounter, experience and person I've come across in my life has made me the person I am today.. And it's a person I'm starting to feel pride in being. Everyday I try to be more secure in myself. I spend time with people I love and care about, and who love and care about me and don't waste my time on people who don't enrich my life.. Because.. Well.. Why should I? If it's a waste of time, why bother?
I feel like this post was all over the place, but life is a journey. Life is all over the place. It's full of dark moments, but also bright, shiny, lovely, sparkly, beautiful moments. Life is unpredictable and sometimes it sucks, but it's also a gift. Cherish it. Treasure the beautiful moments and grow from the dark ones. I know it's not always easy, but all you can do is your best.
My life isn't always a dance on roses (whose is?), but regardless. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
XXX
Gaithri
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